Dispelling the myth about appreciation…

Appreciation is NOT false praise or manipulation. Nor is it about arrogance or lack of humility. Appreciation IS the sincere and specific recognition of the qualities that are unique to each of us: the qualities that build self-esteem and propel us toward accomplishing our positive goals and making meaningful contributions. The dictionary defines appreciation as that which recognizes the quality or significance of; that which admires greatly, that which values. When we appreciate others, when we acknowledge and affirm ourselves, we are recognizing that each of us is significant in this world, that each of our lives is valuable. True humility is, in fact, recognizing our gifts with gratitude and using them for our good and the good of others.

But appreciation needs expression...

Appreciation has two components: recognition and expression. While it begins with recognition, appreciation completes itself through expression—acknowledgment. In order for appreciation to have impact, it needs to be expressed. When we express appreciation to others, they know when they’ve done something right; when they’ve behaved in a way that has enriched another person’s life; when they’ve demonstrated a quality that they can use for good.

I guarantee you that there is at least one person you know who needs to hear something good about themselves-today! So do it! Not later...now!

FOR PARENTS... I remember asking my mom why she had never told me how pretty, smart or capable I was. With innocence she had replied, "I didn’t want to give you a big head." But, it’ appreciation that gives us a big head start on love and success...

A few years ago I had an opportunity to do a program for a group of six-year-old children. Entitled Mirror, Mirror On the Wall, the focus of my program was to combine self-esteem with art by having the children paint their names on T-shirts and create esteeming acronyms for their names using words from The Loving Dictionary.

I had printed words from the book on colorful flash cards, which I placed randomly around the room. We didn’t talk about self-esteem. We just talked about the words and what they meant. For instance, as they were painting their names, we talked about how they were using their imagination and being creative. When they ran to greet their moms or dads, they were being active and energetic. When they were learning to read they were using their intelligence.

One child, ALICE, chose the words Active, Likable, Imaginative, Cute, and Energetic to describe herself. She told me she was active because she could run and jump. She was imaginative because she thought up good games.

"The Loving Dictionary is an awesome, bright and clever resource for all those who care about expanding the amount and quality of love and esteem in this world and dare to do something about it." - Jack Canfield

The words had a lot of impact on the children. They were vibrant and engaged and totally cooperative. They went out of their way to help each other find words that matched their names, and they joyfully shared their colors and sparkles while painting.

At the end of the program, one mother told me why she had enrolled her daughter. The previous week she had asked her daughter to tell her three things she liked about herself and her daughter couldn’t think of anything.

This woman felt very concerned because she considers herself to be a good mother. She tells her daughter how much she loves her, and she kisses and hugs her. What she realized, though, was that if she did not tell her daughter—express to her—how generous, kind, and intelligent she was when she demonstrated those qualities, there was no way for her daughter to know or to recognize those good things about herself.

All children have an innate need for positive reinforcement from the adults in their lives; it’s how they build the self-esteem to strengthen their choices. When this need for approval is not met in healthy ways, they invariably find unhealthy ways to satisfy it; putting them at risk through destructive behavior and making them vulnerable to malicious influences.

Here are two simple, fun suggestions from The Loving Dictionary for expressing appreciation to your children.

Create Esteeming Acronyms: Using the letters of your child’s name, describe and discuss their strengths and virtues.

Decorate as You Educate: Paint words from The Loving Dictionary all over your child’s room as a border.

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FOR TEACHERS... My eighth grade teacher knew how to "Catch them doing something right." I blossomed from a mediocre student into a confident girl who graduated with honors.

Teachers spend over 800 hours a year with children in school and have myriad opportunities to reinforce their needs for self-esteem. When I was in grade school I had a teacher who, like many well-intentioned people, could always find the one thing wrong with any project or homework assignment. Her class was not a lot of fun for me. My grades, no matter what I did, were average. By comparison, my eighth grade teacher, Sister Grace Patricia, had a very different approach. With all of her students she was firm and direct, but she lived the principle: Catch them doing something right. That year Sister Grace caught me doing a lot of things right, as well as a few things wrong, but she just knew how to keep a balance.

Under her tutelage I blossomed from a shy and mediocre student into an almost precocious girl who graduated with honors. I sang in the choir and actually had the courage to sing a solo at Christmas. For the first time in my life, I had a sense of confidence, a sense of my own power. Sister Grace was one of the first people I knew to appreciate me, to recognize and verbally acknowledge the good things in me. Her appreciation changed my life.

On another note, the words we choose to describe students shape our perceptions of them; our perceptions shape the way we behave toward them. Take the real-life case of a teacher in New York who works with students labeled “at risk.” Keenly aware of the impact of words, he refuses to let anyone refer to them by that label. He calls them his “at promise” students.

What’s the big deal about labels and how we use certain words and phrases? The big deal is that our words have the power to affect self-image and to create a lifetime of either success or failure. Each word we choose contains a powerful energy.

"Accurate, perceptive praise is a rarity in our society. It shouldn’t be. We all need it and we all need to give it. It’s just that nobody ever told us it was okay." - Barbara Sher

No longer just theory, today neuroscience¹ recognizes that our words, whether thought or spoken, are physical energy—electrochemical triggers or impulses that program the mind-body system with pictures and verbal commands.

When we label students as difficult, at risk or stubborn, they get the picture of that negative label in their brains, and it becomes the model for their behavior. They also get the negative energy of our labels, better known as “bad vibes.”

It’s hard to refrain from judging and using negative labels when we’re upset or frustrated with a student. If you find yourself using a negative label of judgment, experiment with reframing; replacing the negative label with a positive one. For instance, if the label is lazy, reframe it as s/he could be more helpful at times.

The words could be imply the possibility for change. The words more helpful shift your energy and create pictures in the mind for the positive behavior you do want. The words at times help to keep things in perspective.

Here are two activities from The Loving Dictionary that introduce students to the art of appreciation:

Lists of good qualities: Invite students to make lists for their fellow students of all the qualities and virtues they possess. CLICK HERE to read what Jack Canfield, in his Preface for The Loving Dictionary, says about the lasting impact such lists have had on students ’ lives.

Art of Appreciation Projects: Paint note cards, postcards or T-shirts with positive words: a great school Fund Raiser.

1. The discipline concerned with the development, structure, function, chemistry, pharmacology, clinical assessments and pathology of the nervous system. Stedman ’s Medical Dictionary.

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FOR MANAGERS... “They never see what I do right, only what I do wrong.” Lack of appreciation is a leading reason for employee turnover and customer dissatisfaction.

When I was in school, I had a part-time job with a national merchandising company. The company was in the process of converting all of their data to computers. My job was to categorize information that had been compiled on endless reams of paper. One day when I came to work, there were three chairs lined up in front of my desk. I gulped, fearing that I was about to be fired. Instead, it turned out that the chairs were there for three efficiency experts. They wanted to study how I worked because I was processing the information at a much faster rate than anyone else in the department. I wasn’t competing with anyone, I was simply using a skill I didn’t even know I had.

They labeled my work as organized and efficient, words I had never heard about myself before! Based on my organizing process, they created a model for others to follow that enabled them to process the information more efficiently. Ever since then I have learned to pay attention to and value my gift for organization. Many times over the years, in both my personal and professional life, when I have felt overwhelmed with what seemed like endless details, their gift of recognition to me for being organized and efficient has enabled me to trust in my ability to organize and handle the details.

“Next to physical survival, the greatest need of a human being is psychological survival-to be understood; to be affirmed; to be validated; to be appreciated.” Stephen Covey

Note that the recognition—the appreciation—was attached to a specific behavior, so I was able to trust in it and take it in. If you’ve ever given someone a compliment only to have them reject it, you’ll understand the need for genuine appreciation: specific appreciation attached to an action and a result.

Superlatives like awesome and great job have their place though they need to be alternated with more specific information. Instead of just saying great job, tell them what was great about it: was it a well-prepared report; informative; did they get it in on time? And were you relieved because their efforts kept the whole team on track? When you give specific details of what you appreciate, it also teaches people how to “self-assess.”

Lead by example: When someone gives you a compliment, receive it graciously like a gift. I’ve heard it said that you can tell a person’s character by the way praise is received. Others need permission to receive praise and appreciation and you can give it to them by your example.

Use these techniques every day to improve office relationships and employee morale:

Catch Em’ Doing Something Right: In busy work environments, spontaneous praise is often the most rewarding and satisfying for people to receive. It’s unexpected and refreshing.

Tell Others: In addition to expressing your appreciation to an individual directly, tell others what you value about that person as well. You can do it at a meeting or, if more appropriate, during a conversation or by email.

See a different word every time you return to this page.
From the book, The Loving Dictionary by Marian York

Click here for a list of 100 words from The Loving Dictionary

“The Loving Dictionary is not a how-to book. It is a why-not book.
Why not use it lovingly, wisely —and often?” - Marian York